i have been biking so much that i ripped open my knee (wipeout) .
today many male jerks harassed me but i biked onward!!

i'm at the fanciest library on the planet right now. i think i might actually be on planet jupiter, it's THAT FANCY.

i'm due for some sustenance.

xoxoxo

bittersweet

sunday we leave for minneapolis. it seems like time sped up in the past few months. it was just my birthday and then Sarah's, and now we're packing boxes and saying see ya to our pals and texas.

we played basketball with like twenty queers last night and my muscles still hurt in a really great way! i hope we meet a lot of nice people in minnesota soon.

i have high hopes !

rainnnn

in texas, people write "pray for rain" on the roofs of their houses or on dusty windows, gasping for that liquid elixir. 

i can count on my left hand how many days its rained so far this summer.

sunday it poured for 5 minutes.

sarah & i were sitting mostly outside at a cafe. the rain started pounding on the roof overhead. i dashed out, not saying a word and she followed. we held our palms out, smiled, smelled the fresh pitter patter and heard a flock of chicken garbling, chasing each other around their yard, in fear or joy, who is to know?

monday we had spent all day sweating in our own humid skins. antique browsing. people perusing. we had our swim suits on and when we finally got to the pool, after a series of turns could delay us no longer, thick drops of h2o hit our toes. we shrugged, thinking it would last 10 minutes, paid our $3 and went to sit by the pool, waiting for it to pass. 

as it dropped harder and harder, and we were getting colder and colder, i suggested we jump in anyhow.

listen, this was the best idea i have had in the longest.

swimming in the rain is like a completely different experience. the water, typically too cold to stay in, was refreshing, warmed up by the air? i can't say i know why or how, only that i knew it would be beautiful. we swam and laughed, forgot our towels, stayed wet all evening. 

sarah made the best dinner of 2012 later that night. there was thunder and lightning by the time we got home. we kept the door wide open, letting the breeze cool down our third floor apartment. reed was scared, but interested. normally not a dog who likes water, he sat on the "deck" all night, watching the drops and hearing the crashes in the distance. 

oh mah god I made perfect chicken, potatoes & broccolini last night and I could just eat them all over and over and over again.

heaven is a place in my tummy.

Highlight of b-day party night:

“This year I’m going to have a Hunger Games themed b-day bash & invite all my enemies. I’ll invite your enemies, too.”


-Sarah

i was born on earth

we paddled through a field of flowers, floating along the surface of the Colorado River like a we were in a pasture.

we dug in and pulled ourselves forward, dripping sunscreen & sweat down our thighs every other stroke.

it could have gone on for miles, that pasture in the middle of the river
testing our patience and endurance as we tore muscles and roots

the little yellow flowers and that bright green grass ended as abruptly as they had begun
one moment, we were in them
and the next, we were speeding along in clear water
turning our heads back once or twice
to save that slice of heaven or
something
as if it were ours.

UGH normal people are ruining my life.

What is the root and where do the branches go?

some items

I am reading all of the Harry Potter books this summer. So far, I have read more than 1/2 of the first book in 4 short days. I am on the path to ~~SUCCESS~~

I've been going to queer Kundalini yoga class on Thursdays and really enjoying it. Enjoying it so much so that I wanted to take an additional yoga class, at a yoga studio in Austin. Guess how much classes cost? $17.

I honestly thought that was a joke. How can so many people have yoga bumper stickers on their cars if it costs $17 per class?


That was an example of one joy and one woe.

misery

I can't tell if I am a pathetic sick person or if I am just very sick.
I don't think it matters because my experience is misery.

Unbreathing, cloudy-minded, heavy stomached, misery.

items i am doing

MMMMM this beer is so good! Sarah got 4 of them for us the day I found out I got accepted into graduate school and I bought a single the other night at the co-op. YUM. Highly alcoholic, beware! But that's what makes it taste so good (seriously.)

I just re-read this dystopian childhood book. I have recently also finished other depressing tales of humanity: Never Let Me Go and The Handmaid's Tale so maybe I should stop.

Lars, have you done anything besides consume items with long-bearded men on the covers?

Why, yes. 

I stopped eating glutens for 5 days in solidarity with my sister. I did some handiwork about the house today, went to Home Depot, gave a training at work, ate a hot dog, and now I am watching the Red Sox/Yankees game.

I am currently collecting my favorite poems to type up and cover a wall of my apartment in. Do you have any good ideas?

THIS IS A TRAP

I haven't blogged in a while. I found out this morning that this person that I knew of on the internet, who is a beautiful trans queen, was found dead yesterday. A quiet sadness has come over me, and I wish I had the day to process this travesty. Yesterday was Kia's birthday, too. My friends lit lanterns & floated them into the sky for her.

This year was the first time I realized I may die one day, or my sister may die one day, and we won't go together.

I've been more afraid of death in the past 6 months than I have been in my whole life.

"I believe in living.
I believe in birth.
I believe in the sweat of love
And in the fire of truth.

And I believe that a lost ship,
steered by tired, seasick sailors,
can still be guided home
to port."

-Assata Shakur

 Is this poem appropriate? I don't know. I've been reading it over & over the past few days. I'm going to cover a wall of my next home with framed poems. 

 

"Leading a life that you don't feel the need to end is a privilege.

grrlyman:

Most of my life I felt like I couldn’t last another day. There were dozens of times that I slept and didn’t think I would wake up. I woke up multiple times in hospitals, feeling like my choice was taken away from me. Today, I fear death, because I’m so happy in life. I am so lucky, and so privileged. I’m grateful that my attempts failed. I mourn those who slipped away, but I respect their difficult decision."

 

8 minutes

possible ideas:

• the time it takes to properly brush your hair
• silent calls to your phone pen pal
• meditation on what 8 minutes means
• 100 espresso shots
• replaying the most intense million dollar question on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" each night
• hands, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes
• slowly building up the perfect ant colony (system of tunnels in carpeting)
• reinstating beenie baby school
• doing nothing 
• laughing at me
• making comix
• burning all previous summer plans that we NEVER COMPLETED
• writing your op-ed piece for the Old Stonebridge Times
• perfecting "Greensleeves" on the keyboard
• petting Selena (the beta)
• chipping away at the closet wall between our rooms
• texting dad
• I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE.
• oh making a sweater out of brooke's fur. 

am I getting closer? 

Reading List

I have 7 months to do EVERYTHING in preparation for graduate school.
That means:
-packing, moving, finding a place to live, figuring out how we are going to move
-making a quilt (for warmth)
-having a lot of fun in Texas
-riding my bike
-and maybe most importantly, reading all books/texts that I will either need a refresher on before starting school, or books that I just want to read in my spare time.

So, here's my current reading list:

-Sexing the Body by Anne Fausto-Sterling (read this my first year of college and did not get it. at all. i'm getting it now.)
-History of Sexuality/Discipline & Punishment, by Michel Foucault. Maybe I'll just like consider biopower.
-Texas Tough by Robert Perkinson
-Still Brave, the Evolution of Black Women's Studies, (Some of Us Are Brave 2.0)
-The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood (working on this now)
-Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World, Haruki Murakami

Building that bibliography. There are a lot more, I'm sure. Kelly, do you have any suggestions????

bagel crying

The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster. My friend Kia passed away Saturday night after nearly a year of treatments for lymphoma. Kia was such a bright, positive, kind person who was like a family member to many of the people I consider chosen family members. I wish I had gotten to know her as well as others, but our time together was undoubtedly memorable and valuable. It feels unreal that she has passed, as she was constantly hopeful through 9 rounds of chemotherapy, and it seemed as though she would really make it through. I remember the last time I saw her. She worked next door to me, and she came in to chat because she was going on vacation to see her parents, a vacation she never returned from as it was there that she was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. She looked sick. She said she hadn't been feeling well at all but hopefully she'd be okay soon.

I don't really know what to say because it doesn't feel real or right or fair. Kia was a person who was so full of life and now where is that life?

I've been talking to friends all weekend and crying and trying to do positive things. We bought some cacti for Kia. I'm going to try to plant flowers and send positive thoughts and send all the love & support I can to her partner and our friends who are hurting so badly.

It doesn't seem fair that this horrible disease affected someone who was radiant, and so many lifeless, grumpy people live to be 104. We should all live out our lives in any way we choose, I suppose, and I know that she did just that. Wish she could have spent some more time here on earth, but maybe she's somewhere else entirely feeling all the love that we have been sending her.

I'm so thankful for my friends and for life. I got to look at their faces last night as we had a conference video chat between Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Ohio and Texas. I wish I could be with them, or see friends that I didn't see last night. Wish we could all just sit or walk or cry or talk
or sit across the table from each other like always.

I guess we have to make an Austin bucket list now

A pretty life changing event happened on Friday. I got a call from a PhD program that I applied to offering me admission. So, I am waiting to hear back from the other schools I applied to, but since I didn't apply for a PhD in Austin, we're moving regardless of what Texas says. I am still in a state of shock. I am going to be a serious student again in September. Going to be making another 20-30 hour driving move, and I'm going to get paid to do it. I am elated, grateful, excited, nervous, grateful (again), and trying to appreciate the time I have left in this city I am growing to love.

So, it's time to make that bucket list:
-go to enchanted rock with Sarah & reed
-go to fredricksburg/hill country and appreciate the stunning Texas desert
-(mountain) bike the greenbelt
-eat at hoover's cooking
-eat at all possible barbecue restaurants (stop in Kansas City, Missouri on the drive up north)
-take pictures of personal favorite Austin landmarks (home steam cleaners)
-go to karaoke at bernadettes

...more to come!

Things are really changing but there is still time for us, Austin!

human & cat

hi!

lots of things have happened since my last post. someone's house exploded in austin because the city wouldn't fix a gas leak. i got a library card. i read some zines. i made pulled pork & wheatberry salad, and probably a lot of other food.

right now i'm reading a book written by a human and a cat. i think i'd like to find a cat who can co-write a novel with me.

i also started making a list of 101 things i want to do in 1001 days. you can make one too if you go to dayzeroproject.com. it's p. cool. it gets me to thinking about all the stuff i want to DO in my life. like learn how to play the guitar, cook lots of different foods, slowly, and just generally learn, build, and do stuff that i've never done before! i hope within the next three years i can take a really long bike trip. i know that i can definitely do some of the things on that list.

WHAT types of things do you want to do in the next three years, kelly?

i'm going to ohio TOMORROW and i am v. excited to see my sister, dad, and cat-nephew. and meet grandma (biscuits).

gotta pack today but also reed is really sick so i hope he's okay and just working himself up because he's going to miss me so much.