I just want to read books; write about community organizing & creative, radical re-imaginings of people!
I am so, so nervous about getting in.
Here's to 2-3 anxious months of waiting!
being nice, real & weird: reflections from a human.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
xmas & anxiety
I'm feeling extremely calm for some reason right now. I definitely didn't sleep enough, or drink very much coffee. But I am incredibly relaxed and have such a positive attitude about the near and distant futures.
Yesterday was Christmas. I like Christmas. This was the first time I spent it without any member of my (birth) family. Plane tickets were too expensive to go see them & I needed to be able to work so I stayed in Texas with some members of my chosen family, Sarah & Reed. (My sister, plus others, are members of my chosen family, too, don't worry KELLY.)
Honestly, it was a pretty stressful day.
I woke up at 7am because I've started to go to bed really early and get up early, which is nice (on weekends only--during the week I work at 3:45am). I walked Reed, we saw a rat skeleton & a loose dog tried to attack us. Then we woke up Sarah and opened presents. I got a Bonnie Raitt T-shirt & album, professional clippers, three books, a beautiful bow tie, two deodorants & a knitted mason jar coffee sleeve. So much good stuff!! Then we ate pumpkin pancakes, bacon, OJ & coffee.
I was sad to not be with my dad & sister, and Sarah had a really anxious day so we did have a couple of road bumps but they were necessary and important to deal with. I think it's easy to feel embarrassed or upset about having anxiety/depression in your family/relationship so I just want to talk about it. There are a lot of things in the world that make people anxious and depressed. I think having debilitating mental blocks may sometimes mean you're a nice person because you see that it's hard to live.
Lately, I keep dealing with trauma from emotional abuse I've endured in childhood & adulthood. For instance, I drank the last of the coffee a couple days ago. Sarah asked if there was any more and I said no. She then asked if next time, I could ask her before I finish it. That seems like a pretty normal request but my brain shut DOWN and I really got scared that I messed up, that I was being inconsiderate, and that she was going to be really mad at me and both of our days would be ruined. I tensed up immediately, got defensive, and then started crying. I recognized that I was acting this way because if I had taken the last of the coffee without asking a previous ex, I would have actually been "in trouble" and caused a day-long fight. It reminded me a lot of how I felt growing up, too. Like just by doing simple things I was harming one of my parents. This is something that I keep having a hard time recognizing in the moment. I know immediately after I get defensive what is going on but it's been really hard for me to stop, breathe, and figure out why I am feeling so tense and upset all of a sudden.
So yesterday, I was a little sad because I missed my family, and Sarah got stressed out because "Christmas" was something that I was really looking forward to and she wanted everything to be "perfect." Among other reasons. We spent a good amount of time crying & talking about how to break down what is really stressing us out and try to take it in manageable pieces. I want to make a nest for my life, bringing together pieces that I find, slowly, to make myself a safe, comforting home. I think I'm really starting to do the work to have that these days.
breakfast: pumpkin pancakes & bacon mmmmmmm
bonnie raitt t-shirt
carnage: dog bed fortitude
reed loves xmas
Yesterday was Christmas. I like Christmas. This was the first time I spent it without any member of my (birth) family. Plane tickets were too expensive to go see them & I needed to be able to work so I stayed in Texas with some members of my chosen family, Sarah & Reed. (My sister, plus others, are members of my chosen family, too, don't worry KELLY.)
Honestly, it was a pretty stressful day.
I woke up at 7am because I've started to go to bed really early and get up early, which is nice (on weekends only--during the week I work at 3:45am). I walked Reed, we saw a rat skeleton & a loose dog tried to attack us. Then we woke up Sarah and opened presents. I got a Bonnie Raitt T-shirt & album, professional clippers, three books, a beautiful bow tie, two deodorants & a knitted mason jar coffee sleeve. So much good stuff!! Then we ate pumpkin pancakes, bacon, OJ & coffee.
I was sad to not be with my dad & sister, and Sarah had a really anxious day so we did have a couple of road bumps but they were necessary and important to deal with. I think it's easy to feel embarrassed or upset about having anxiety/depression in your family/relationship so I just want to talk about it. There are a lot of things in the world that make people anxious and depressed. I think having debilitating mental blocks may sometimes mean you're a nice person because you see that it's hard to live.
Lately, I keep dealing with trauma from emotional abuse I've endured in childhood & adulthood. For instance, I drank the last of the coffee a couple days ago. Sarah asked if there was any more and I said no. She then asked if next time, I could ask her before I finish it. That seems like a pretty normal request but my brain shut DOWN and I really got scared that I messed up, that I was being inconsiderate, and that she was going to be really mad at me and both of our days would be ruined. I tensed up immediately, got defensive, and then started crying. I recognized that I was acting this way because if I had taken the last of the coffee without asking a previous ex, I would have actually been "in trouble" and caused a day-long fight. It reminded me a lot of how I felt growing up, too. Like just by doing simple things I was harming one of my parents. This is something that I keep having a hard time recognizing in the moment. I know immediately after I get defensive what is going on but it's been really hard for me to stop, breathe, and figure out why I am feeling so tense and upset all of a sudden.
So yesterday, I was a little sad because I missed my family, and Sarah got stressed out because "Christmas" was something that I was really looking forward to and she wanted everything to be "perfect." Among other reasons. We spent a good amount of time crying & talking about how to break down what is really stressing us out and try to take it in manageable pieces. I want to make a nest for my life, bringing together pieces that I find, slowly, to make myself a safe, comforting home. I think I'm really starting to do the work to have that these days.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I am feeling really refreshed. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I went to bed at 8pm last night (to wake up at 3am), but also a lot to do with Austin Zine Fest this past weekend and a fresh perspective on life and living.
Austin Zine Fest was awesome. I got to chat with a lot of new people and a lot of burgeoning friends. KB & I made zines on demand to people, which basically just meant that we made a zine about pumpkin products and bananagrams. I laughed a lot more than I have in a while. It was eye-opening, exciting, and exhilarating, especially since the event was truly a DIY, radical space. There were some messed up things being said about women "self-objectifying" themselves by this "feminist" zine and they were respectfully called out and asked to check their thinking. I learned a little more about anarchism, and I think I'm going to try to start going to the Anarchism Study Group that meets every Sunday.
It is just hard to live in the regular world where everyone is restricting their own thinking and imagining because they are concerned with their image, or the way they think the world is. We all have different realities. It has been draining to interact with so many normative people at my job and feel stuck in terms of job mobility and social satisfaction. I feel like I am from outer space because everyone else seems FINE with being normative sometimes. It's hard to remember that I have access to such an incredible community of radical thinking, caring, nice people right down the road! Being socially anxious has prevented me from reaching out to them in the past. But, these are people who really support each other and I'm so glad to be feeling revitalized by their positive energy. I hope I contributed to that feeling to others, in the same ways they contributed to my well-being.
Anyhow, I spent like $40 on copying zines for the Fest and made like $60 over the weekend. So that's incredible news that will pay my electric bill.
I've been working a lot the past two weeks but after Wednesday, I will be working only part-time again. It's not enough for me to live on which is sad. I don't want to work two jobs because the hours I work would force me to sleep in 4 hour intervals if I took on another job. It would be great to get something full-time, whatever it is, so I can worry less about work and spend more time enjoying the nice things about life. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that.
It is silly, but I went "Christmas shopping" yesterday and got Sarah some nice things that she's been wanting but didn't want to spend money on. I got my sister great gifts, too. And my dog a new collar. That's it! No excess, just taking advantage of sales to get people I care about nice items.
Starting to read Crime and Punishment see ya!
Austin Zine Fest was awesome. I got to chat with a lot of new people and a lot of burgeoning friends. KB & I made zines on demand to people, which basically just meant that we made a zine about pumpkin products and bananagrams. I laughed a lot more than I have in a while. It was eye-opening, exciting, and exhilarating, especially since the event was truly a DIY, radical space. There were some messed up things being said about women "self-objectifying" themselves by this "feminist" zine and they were respectfully called out and asked to check their thinking. I learned a little more about anarchism, and I think I'm going to try to start going to the Anarchism Study Group that meets every Sunday.
It is just hard to live in the regular world where everyone is restricting their own thinking and imagining because they are concerned with their image, or the way they think the world is. We all have different realities. It has been draining to interact with so many normative people at my job and feel stuck in terms of job mobility and social satisfaction. I feel like I am from outer space because everyone else seems FINE with being normative sometimes. It's hard to remember that I have access to such an incredible community of radical thinking, caring, nice people right down the road! Being socially anxious has prevented me from reaching out to them in the past. But, these are people who really support each other and I'm so glad to be feeling revitalized by their positive energy. I hope I contributed to that feeling to others, in the same ways they contributed to my well-being.
Anyhow, I spent like $40 on copying zines for the Fest and made like $60 over the weekend. So that's incredible news that will pay my electric bill.
I've been working a lot the past two weeks but after Wednesday, I will be working only part-time again. It's not enough for me to live on which is sad. I don't want to work two jobs because the hours I work would force me to sleep in 4 hour intervals if I took on another job. It would be great to get something full-time, whatever it is, so I can worry less about work and spend more time enjoying the nice things about life. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that.
It is silly, but I went "Christmas shopping" yesterday and got Sarah some nice things that she's been wanting but didn't want to spend money on. I got my sister great gifts, too. And my dog a new collar. That's it! No excess, just taking advantage of sales to get people I care about nice items.
Starting to read Crime and Punishment see ya!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
rich people
don't worry about money
only not being able to wait to start their careers.
lol what is a career? so strange. i sent people i work with an article about how working in food service is similar to being in an abusive relationship because you are isolated, dependent on your abusive employer, stripped of any potential for economic independence, degraded, and made to feel crazy for being a human being.
this person i work with (at the first semi-professional job i've ever had) was like, "omg i never thought of it that way! anyway, i've never worked in food service but i ALWAYS ask people behind the counter how their day is going. i can't wait to start my career, ugh. mmm just googling stuff on my iPhone4"
"Oh yeah i have a starbucks cup with me right now but i got it for free."
i'm really tired sorry.
i just don't get how someone who wants to be a therapist cannot understand their privilege when directly confronted with it.
anyhow, just dreaming of going to bed in 30 minutes!
more updates soon.
atx zine fest this weekend, working A LOT no time to debrief.
omg now they're talking about broken smartphones. i have to get out of here.
only not being able to wait to start their careers.
lol what is a career? so strange. i sent people i work with an article about how working in food service is similar to being in an abusive relationship because you are isolated, dependent on your abusive employer, stripped of any potential for economic independence, degraded, and made to feel crazy for being a human being.
this person i work with (at the first semi-professional job i've ever had) was like, "omg i never thought of it that way! anyway, i've never worked in food service but i ALWAYS ask people behind the counter how their day is going. i can't wait to start my career, ugh. mmm just googling stuff on my iPhone4"
"Oh yeah i have a starbucks cup with me right now but i got it for free."
i'm really tired sorry.
i just don't get how someone who wants to be a therapist cannot understand their privilege when directly confronted with it.
anyhow, just dreaming of going to bed in 30 minutes!
more updates soon.
atx zine fest this weekend, working A LOT no time to debrief.
omg now they're talking about broken smartphones. i have to get out of here.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
case in point:
"Two Saints Baking Company & Cafe is looking for high energy baristas and customer service represenatives for our Leander and Bee Cave locations. Skills needed: a strong sense of urgency and friendly energetic attitude. Previous restaurant experience is a plus but not required. People skills are a must! Job duties will include but not limited to order taking, sandwhich preparation, drink preparation, cleaning and customer satisfaction.
(looking for a job is DEPRESSING.)
(zine #3 almost done!)
(50 hour work weeks ahead but ATX zine fest is right in the middle of them!)
- Location: Leander or Bee Cave
- Compensation: $8.00+ DOE"
(looking for a job is DEPRESSING.)
(zine #3 almost done!)
(50 hour work weeks ahead but ATX zine fest is right in the middle of them!)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
some self-respect
I applied for a very part-time job that I am over-qualified for about two months ago. I was in desperate need for any income and I figured I could get this job and try to supplement it with another part time job to make ends meet. Even though I followed up twice, I didn't get a phone call and forgot about it. Since, I started an almost full time job.
Yesterday, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I've been applying to jobs still, as I'm not making enough money to pay my bills with just one job, and I figured the call might be from something I just applied for.
I answered, enthusiastically.
The voice on the other side of the phone belonged to what I can only imagine is a foul person.
He said: "Hey, I'm the general manager at ___________ and I'm looking over old resumes because I hired someone last week and they didn't show up (awkward laugh), are you still interested in a 15 hour/week position doing food prep?"
I can't quite convey the tone of his voice here. I can't begin to comprehend why he thought it would lure me in to say that he was calling me because someone else didn't show up. Hello, I am a valuable person who you would be lucky to have working for you. I am so glad that you would need me for hours that conflict with my current schedule so I can easily hang up on you and not feel guilty about how I do really need that money.
I get so angry reading Craigslist ads, and listening to that man talk to me that way. Employers who demand extreme multi-tasking, chumminess, multiple years of experience in random things and advanced computer & database skills for jobs that pay $8/hour are infuriating and depressing. Do you know what $8/hour gets you? Hunger. They talk down to you before you even apply, using degradation of "laziness" to motivate folks who literally have no other option to work their asses off for no money and no chance of promotion.
This dude who basically told me "I am calling you as a last resort" will never know how damn hard I work and how valuable I am in so very many ways. Man, you are insulting and rude and I am sorry for everyone who works for you and vies for a job with you.
Yesterday, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I've been applying to jobs still, as I'm not making enough money to pay my bills with just one job, and I figured the call might be from something I just applied for.
I answered, enthusiastically.
The voice on the other side of the phone belonged to what I can only imagine is a foul person.
He said: "Hey, I'm the general manager at ___________ and I'm looking over old resumes because I hired someone last week and they didn't show up (awkward laugh), are you still interested in a 15 hour/week position doing food prep?"
I can't quite convey the tone of his voice here. I can't begin to comprehend why he thought it would lure me in to say that he was calling me because someone else didn't show up. Hello, I am a valuable person who you would be lucky to have working for you. I am so glad that you would need me for hours that conflict with my current schedule so I can easily hang up on you and not feel guilty about how I do really need that money.
I get so angry reading Craigslist ads, and listening to that man talk to me that way. Employers who demand extreme multi-tasking, chumminess, multiple years of experience in random things and advanced computer & database skills for jobs that pay $8/hour are infuriating and depressing. Do you know what $8/hour gets you? Hunger. They talk down to you before you even apply, using degradation of "laziness" to motivate folks who literally have no other option to work their asses off for no money and no chance of promotion.
This dude who basically told me "I am calling you as a last resort" will never know how damn hard I work and how valuable I am in so very many ways. Man, you are insulting and rude and I am sorry for everyone who works for you and vies for a job with you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)