Yesterday was Christmas. I like Christmas. This was the first time I spent it without any member of my (birth) family. Plane tickets were too expensive to go see them & I needed to be able to work so I stayed in Texas with some members of my chosen family, Sarah & Reed. (My sister, plus others, are members of my chosen family, too, don't worry KELLY.)
Honestly, it was a pretty stressful day.
I woke up at 7am because I've started to go to bed really early and get up early, which is nice (on weekends only--during the week I work at 3:45am). I walked Reed, we saw a rat skeleton & a loose dog tried to attack us. Then we woke up Sarah and opened presents. I got a Bonnie Raitt T-shirt & album, professional clippers, three books, a beautiful bow tie, two deodorants & a knitted mason jar coffee sleeve. So much good stuff!! Then we ate pumpkin pancakes, bacon, OJ & coffee.
I was sad to not be with my dad & sister, and Sarah had a really anxious day so we did have a couple of road bumps but they were necessary and important to deal with. I think it's easy to feel embarrassed or upset about having anxiety/depression in your family/relationship so I just want to talk about it. There are a lot of things in the world that make people anxious and depressed. I think having debilitating mental blocks may sometimes mean you're a nice person because you see that it's hard to live.
Lately, I keep dealing with trauma from emotional abuse I've endured in childhood & adulthood. For instance, I drank the last of the coffee a couple days ago. Sarah asked if there was any more and I said no. She then asked if next time, I could ask her before I finish it. That seems like a pretty normal request but my brain shut DOWN and I really got scared that I messed up, that I was being inconsiderate, and that she was going to be really mad at me and both of our days would be ruined. I tensed up immediately, got defensive, and then started crying. I recognized that I was acting this way because if I had taken the last of the coffee without asking a previous ex, I would have actually been "in trouble" and caused a day-long fight. It reminded me a lot of how I felt growing up, too. Like just by doing simple things I was harming one of my parents. This is something that I keep having a hard time recognizing in the moment. I know immediately after I get defensive what is going on but it's been really hard for me to stop, breathe, and figure out why I am feeling so tense and upset all of a sudden.
So yesterday, I was a little sad because I missed my family, and Sarah got stressed out because "Christmas" was something that I was really looking forward to and she wanted everything to be "perfect." Among other reasons. We spent a good amount of time crying & talking about how to break down what is really stressing us out and try to take it in manageable pieces. I want to make a nest for my life, bringing together pieces that I find, slowly, to make myself a safe, comforting home. I think I'm really starting to do the work to have that these days.
I like this post. Please reserve a seat for me in yr chosen family.
ReplyDeletewe only have three chairs in my apartment for a reason.
ReplyDeleteNever buy another.
ReplyDeletethese apartment pictures are familiar now!
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